Timothy McSweeney Has Been Waiting All Summer to Finally Bust Out His Spiffy New Beanie
Hello and welcome to the thirteenth edition of McSweeney’s Internet Substackency, the Substack of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a humor and satire website run by McSweeney’s Publishing.
Well, we can’t can’t hold back any longer. It is time…
Happy Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers!
Yes, autumn doesn’t officially arrive until Sunday, but we don’t publish on weekends (we have to live our lives, guys), so we got a head start by re-publishing our most-read article ever on the Tendency today.
This year also happens to be the 15th Anniversary of Colin Nissan’s classic piece, and to celebrate we’re rolling out yet more merch: The Decorative Gourd Hat. Check out its details further down below, and learn how to get a code for a discount on it and other gourd-themed stuff to use at our store.
Now, let’s get on with a freaky-ass harvest of autumnal links…
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air, and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.
Let’s continue this extravagourdganza with a deep dive into the creation and editing process of the piece. We published this on our Patreon a few years ago, and it’s unlocked for all to see today. Who knows, maybe even you’ll decide to become a patron while you’re there. Our Patreon helps us stay afloat and pay our writers without having to resort to outside advertising or sponsored content on the Tendency.
A WORD OR TWO FROM OUR STORE…
That's right, it's not just about mugs anymore, folks. The Decorative Gourd Hat can withhold the weight of at least two and a half decorative gourds and will fit on most small, medium, and large-sized noggins.
As a token of our appreciation, we're offering exclusive discount codes for new and current members of our Patreon at the Silver Gourd, Gold Gourd, Classic White Gourd Mug, and Platinum Gourd levels. These codes will work not only for the Gourd Hat but also for any and all of the other Gourd Merch we offer at our store. In addition, they can be used for discounts on our Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming Color-Changing Mug and our brand-new, glorious McSweeney's Advent Calendar.
And here are not one but two AUTUMNAL-THEMED BLASTS FROM THE PAST—classic Tendency pieces from our archives…
Find an abandoned barn and weave excessive amounts of string lights through the rafters until you’re satisfied with your oversized altar to fall. Heavily drink warm bourbon from mason jars while swathed in an L.L. Bean Hudson Bay blanket and start a small bonfire using J. Crew catalogs as kindling. Sacrifice your favorite plaid scarf to the hungry flames to ensure more Instagram followers.
Click to read the rest because it might come in very handy after the election.
When dealing with hedge mazes, the word “impossible” gets thrown around a lot, but I must say the Smith County hedge maze is just that. I, being of sound mind and body, also must say that in the very likely instance, I don’t find a way out of this well-cultivated labyrinth of death, I want my worldly possessions divided amongst my wife, Vanessa, my family, and my friends—but not my editor at the Smith Gazette, Mr. Dobbs, who sent me out on this assignment.
Please click to read this funny piece/harrowing warning to never enter the Smith County Hedge Maze.
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