Hello and welcome to the eleventh edition of McSweeney’s Internet Substackency, the Substack of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a humor and satire website run by McSweeney’s Publishing.
Well, the votes are in, and most of you agree with us that Decorative Gourd Season officially begins on the first day of autumn.
It’s refreshing that so many of you care about this issue enough to participate in an online poll. Gourds course through our veins at different rates, but in the end, we’re all eager and ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest.
Despite the results reinforcing our belief that Gourd Season kicks on on the autumnal equinox, we’re actually going to re-post the article a couple of days before, as the first day of fall is on a Sunday, and we don’t publish on weekends. So this year at least, Decorative Gourd Season will commence on September 20, motherfuckers.
Stay tuned in the coming weeks for exciting new merch news from our store regarding Decorative Gourds as we load up the hay wagon and ride off into yet another Gourd-related-revenue adventure.
Alright, on with the links…
Remember: Drop-off is not a time to chat, say hello, kiss your child goodbye, hand them their lunch, take your hands off the steering wheel, or even use your brakes. If you need to do any of these things, simply CIRCLE THE BLOCK.
Raising my beautiful cherubs is my sole purpose in life. I am a womb with two legs. Madame Bovary? More like Madame Ovaries. (I haven’t read the book, and I definitely didn’t check it out of the local library before my tradwife besties had it banned.) Please take away my rights to my own body—oh wait, you already did. Cool. I am an unstoppable life-giving vessel doing my God-given part. My husband, Jedediah Jehoshaphat, is out there chopping wood, stocking our underground fallout bunker, and watching football with his friends.
(For the record, I never wrote this, because traditionally, women are property who can’t read or write, obviously.)
Click to read the rest of this cry for help.
A WORD OR TWO FROM OUR STORE…
The Eyes & the Impossible is the story of a dog named Johannes. Johannes is a free dog, a fast dog—such a fast dog! He lives in an urban park by the sea, and every day, he runs through the park, seeing all, missing nothing, and reporting what he sees to the park’s three ancient Bison, the Keepers of the Equilibrium. But the Equilibrium has been disrupted.
Mysterious rectangles are hypnotizing Johannes, humans are erecting a strange new building, and an entirely new kind of animal has arrived in the park—and there are hundreds of them. Johannes must run faster, see better, and ultimately do more than run and see—he must liberate those he loves.
Gorgeously illustrated throughout by Shawn Harris (author of Have You Ever Seen a Flower? and illustrator of Her Right Foot by Dave Eggers, among many others), Dave Eggers’s The Eyes & the Impossible is a lyrical, soulful book full of wit and passion—a timeless story for readers of all ages.
Click to buy the Newberry Medal Winning The Eyes & the Impossible in our store.
The Professor looked out the window and drank coffee from a chipped blue enamel mug. The coffee was hot and good. The Department Head walked by.
Morning.
Morning.
You entered your first week attendance?
No, I haven’t.
Well.
Well.
I reckon you might. Be hell to pay with the Registrar.
And here’s this week’s BLAST FROM THE PAST, a classic Tendency piece from our archives…
When I became a first-grade teacher, I knew that it wouldn’t be an easy job. But what I never imagined was that these kids would end up teaching me more than I could ever teach them. And it’s good that I never imagined that because it hasn’t happened at all.
Click to read the rest of this, or else tomorrow’s lesson plan will be nothing but worksheets.
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dear mcsweeney's,
thank you for sharing all of this as always!
i particularly love "Actually, I’m Teaching These Kids Way More Than They’re Teaching Me
by Jeremiah Budin
much appreciated!
love
myq