Hello and welcome to the fourteenth edition of McSweeney’s Internet Substackency, the Substack of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a humor and satire website run by McSweeney’s Publishing.
One late September afternoon, back when we were middle schoolers, playing Nerf football on our street after school, being loud and boisterous, as this particular phase of male humans is wont to do, we noticed a small child dressed in a plastic CVS-level Spider-man costume walking along the sidewalk with his father. The child held a paper bag as if he were trick or treating, even though it was weeks before the holiday.
“What are you doing?” one friend asked them. “It isn’t Halloween yet.”
The father, appearing a little thrown to be approached by a half-dozen rowdy and sweaty 7th-grade boys, took his son’s hand and said, “We’re practicing.”
We all reacted as if he had just told the funniest joke of all time. “Practicing?!?” we yelled in disbelief before cackling back to our football game, leaving the father a little embarrassed and his tiny Spider-man a little confused.
Halloween can be weird, and honestly, it always sort of flipped us out. We only trick-or-treated a couple of times during our childhood and never enjoyed it. Walking up to strangers’ houses, knocking on their doors, and receiving food from them? Where exactly is the fun part in that? Admittedly, we’re not big costume or candy people, so the “treat” always felt disproportionate to the stranger-danger risk we were exposing ourselves to, but just the same, practicing for Halloween when you are nervous about it makes total sense to us now.
This is all to say that to any children out there practicing Halloween with their parents this next month, we get it and we support the exercise. Props to your parents as well.
Alright, on with the links…
Thank you for your embarrassingly eager interest in our job opening and for getting to know us over the course of twelve rounds of interviews. We regret to inform you that we have selected another, far more suitable candidate for the role—a starchy ten-pound sack of Canadian Yukon Gold potatoes, straight from our local Stop & Shop.
Please click to read the rest, and then edit your CV accordingly.
It’s hard to be a lady these days. There are so many things to be afraid of, like not having a husband, or getting scratched by my cats, or walking in the woods and seeing a bear . I know that all my fears will disappear once Donald Trump is president again. Because what says “female safety” more than the guy who was found liable for sexually assaulting E. Jean Carroll in a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room?
Click to the read the rest of what is another classic Trump takedown by Devorah Blachor.
A WORD OR TWO FROM OUR STORE…
Celebrate the official beginning of fucking autumn (and FIFTEEN YEARS of “It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers”) by getting cozy and tasteful as the devil’s hellmouth with this obscene fucking deal. Subscribe to our prestigious-as-hell literary journal, McSweeney’s Quarterly, and get thirty goddamn dollars off our brand-new crystal fucking anniversary gourd beanie. The perfect accessory as you put on your flannel and tattered overalls to take your shittiest fucking buddies out to enjoy some stunning foliage (with enough reading material so you don’t have to listen to them yak your fucking ears off). Nab this deal so that the whole fucking world will know not only that you love fall and staying warm, but that you love a motherfucking deal too.
Click to subscribe to the Quarterly and get a sweet fuckin’ deal on the Gourd Hat.
The wokeness epidemic has infected none of our institutions harder than our nation’s college campuses. It’s a sad sight to see these once bastions of higher learning transformed into little more than leftist indoctrination factories. The issue gets worse and worse each year, but unlike those who cower to the liberal mob, I’m not afraid to call out the root cause of my concern: I graduated from college forty-one years ago and miss being young so, so bad.
Click this hyperlinked text to read the rest of his cry for help.
And here’s this week’s BLAST FROM THE PAST, a classic Tendency piece from our archives…
This cul-de-sac has heart. It has charm. It has four men named Ashley. This cul-de-sac has a huge crocodile problem. We’re so happy to have you. This cul-de-sac used to have a Free Little Library, but the crocodiles took the books. They used the books to gain human intelligence and solve James Patterson mysteries. They’ve attained the reading level of an average eighth grader. This cul-de-sac has great schools.
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dear mcsweeney's,
thank you for these delightful headlines AND accompanying pieces.
i love "The Problem with American College Campuses Is That I Desperately Miss Being Young"
thank you for sharing!
love
myq