Timothy McSweeney's Conspiracy Theories are More Just Suggestions That He Leaves in the Whole Foods Customer Comments Box

Oct 10, 2024

Hello and welcome to the sixteenth edition of McSweeney’s Internet Substackency, the Substack of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a humor and satire website run by McSweeney’s Publishing.

We hope this Substackency finds you safe and sound. That’s not to say we don’t hope other editions of our Substackency find you safe and sound, it’s just there is a lot going on this week, what with the weather and the election and all the bonkers conspiracy theories out there about the weather and the election. It’s almost as if one major political party realizes the only way they can win is by instilling fear and doubt in people.

Imagine that.

Anyway, we thought we’d lean into the wackiness and share some of our favorite conspiracy theory satire. So before the Deep State tracks us down and inserts their woke vegan chips in our brains, on with the links…

NANCY PELOSI: Good evening, fellow shady elites. Before we discuss the main topic on tonight’s agenda, let’s hear a quick status update from each election interference subcommittee chair. George?

GEORGE SOROS: I’ve been in touch with the head of Dominion Voting Systems to once again rig the election in that super secret way that’s completely undetectable and works seamlessly across the different voting technologies used in the various swing states.

Strap on your tin foil hat and click to read the rest of this bombshell leak.

As a forty-nine-year-old woman, I worry about a lot of issues: threats to our democracy, the changing climate, and, of course, abortion rights. That’s why I can’t wait for my birthday when—like all women who reach the age of fifty—I will naturally morph into an unfeeling, cold-blooded lizard being.

Please copy the link embedded in this string of words and send it to all the lizard beings and soon-to-be lizard beings friends, acquaintances, and random people from high school you somehow are still friends with on Facebook.

A WORD OR TWO FROM OUR STORE…

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Are there actual litter boxes in my child’s classrooms for student use?
Yes, we keep them there to support the needs of our youths who identify as a “furry.” Although we don’t discriminate, any child is welcome to lighten their load in front of the class as they see fit.

What about classmates who aren’t furries?
They will be soon enough, thanks to our dedicated librarians.

Please click to read the whole thing, and then share it with all the non-Moms of Liberty in your life.

And here’s this week’s BLAST FROM THE PAST, a classic Tendency piece from our archives…

Hi there. I’m the person putting drugs in Halloween candy. I’m also the person who sticks razor blades in movie theater cushions to give people venereal diseases, and the person who squeezes crumpled paper into car door handles to show secret symbols to sex traffickers. Do I have any proof that I’ve done any of these things and that these supposed allegations are anything more than scaremongering to get clicks and views? No, of course not. But you don’t really want proof, do you?

Follow this hyperlinked text to head on over to the Tendency and read the rest before Hillary Clinton invites your children to a pizza parlor.

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