Epidurals, for Him
by Ginny Hogan
Good evening, patrons. For this Substackency Full Stack, Ginny Hogan writes about an exciting, long-overdue development in medical science for non-birthing pregnancy partners.
You’ve had a long, hard nine months. Your wife’s been pregnant, and in month nine, she was so uncomfortable in bed that she made you sleep on the futon. Twice.
And yet, you survived. At long last, the big day is upon you. A baby’s birth is a significant medical event, and pain management is critical. It takes two people to make a baby, which is why we’ve designed Epidurals, for Him.
The Labor Room Is a Hostile Environment
The labor and delivery market has long been characterized by a significant pain-management gap. While existing clinical infrastructure reliably serves one demographic—namely, the birthing person—it systematically neglects another: you, the person who drove her there. The medical system is famously biased in favor of women: indeed, over 90 percent of pregnancy-related epidurals are for women, not men.
While your wife got easy access to an epidural—all she had to do was scream bloody murder for a hundred minutes—you did not. If you’re a man and you want an epidural during your wife’s labor, the hospital staff may ask questions like “Why?” and “For what reason?” Or they may make insensitive comments like “Technically, epidurals are only for patients,” or “But this isn’t happening to your body.” They may totally dismiss your pain.
Until now.
Use Cases
There are all kinds of pain a man may experience during delivery. Fortunately, Epidurals, for Him offer full-body relief, covering you for:
Back pain from sitting on a stackable chair in the labor room. Those chairs are the worst. The worst. Like, worse than the kind you’d find at a literal church potluck. With Epidurals, for Him, this pain is gone in an instant.
The scalding-hot coffee in the cafeteria. Your wife isn’t allowed to drink anything during labor, just in case she needs a C-section. She has no idea how lucky she is. Your tongue hurts, and you deserve relief.
The ear pain from your wife’s screaming due to her contraction pain. Obviously, this is worse for her—but is it?
The neck strain from looking at your phone. Epidurals, for Him target the cervical spine, so you won’t get bent out of shape texting “Nope, no updates yet!” thirty-eight times in a row. You’ll text when there are updates. JFC.
The anxiety about holding a baby. Like, they’re so small. What if you drop it? No one seems to understand how traumatizing this would be for you. This is why you need the fentanyl in Epidurals, for Him. We all need to chill out, right?
Easy Implementation
Epidurals, for Him are administered by a male doctor, so you don’t have to worry about him making fun of you. And they’re taken orally, not via a massive needle. Why? Because clinical studies of randomly selected prospective patients (men) included too many who found the needle unacceptable. Which is fair. That needle sucks, and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Cost
Epidurals, for Him are fully covered by health insurance. Obviously.
Testimonials
Here’s what patients are saying about Epidurals, for Him:
“I didn’t think I’d make it. The chairs were bad. Like, really bad. The epidural got me through.” —Derek, Hoboken
“I don’t know how anybody gives birth without an epidural.” —Frank, Atlanta, who didn’t give birth.
“Life-changing.” —Kevin, Portland, who drove fourteen miles to the hospital even though he had carpal tunnel.
“Finally.” —Men
Risk Factors
Early studies suggest that Epidurals, for Him are so enjoyable that you may want your wife to have another six kids, just to try them again. Bringing this up within forty-eight hours of delivery may cause long-term marital issues.
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What about when he only has candy from the vending machine for dinner? That's hard too
Hilarious. I love that Epidurals, for Him are covered by health insurance. Obviously.