If 1980s Teen Movies Took Place Today
by Julie Vick and Sally Miller
Hello! Welcome to another edition of “McSweeney’s Shares Full Pieces On Their Substack.” Yes, we need a better name for these, but that’s what we’re going with for now. If you have any suggestions for a name, feel free to leave them in the comments.
Today’s “MSFPOTS” (really, please help us with a better name) is a time travel piece (of sorts) by Tendency vets Julie Vick (her Substack is here) and Sally Miller (no Substack as far as we know, but here’s her author page on the site). Enjoy!
Goonies
Since strangers will call the police if kids in the Goon Docks wander around on their own, the boys don’t get a chance to search for One-Eyed Willy’s gold. Instead, they compete in a Mr. Beast challenge in hopes of winning enough money to save their parents’ home.
Say Anything
Lloyd Dobler stands outside Diane’s window holding up his phone. He prompts Siri, “Play ‘In Your Eyes’ by Peter Gabriel.” Siri streams “Private Eyes” by Hall and Oates, right after playing a thirty-second Geico ad.
Stand by Me
Because the missing body of Ray Brower is found with a Life 360 app, Gordie, Chris, Teddy, and Vern end up spending Labor Day Weekend defeating the Ender Dragon.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
When Ferris tells his mom he is sick, she says he can stay home but needs to log into his classes on Zoom. After setting up an avatar, he heads to Chicago. He is almost caught when a video of him titled “Rizzler Sausage King Sings Danke Schoen” goes viral, but he successfully convinces his parents it was just an AI deepfake.
Breakfast Club
After Claire catches John looking up her skirt, she starts a feminism club to talk about the objectification of girls at the school. Allison becomes the VP. John eventually sends out an apology on social media, drafted in his phone’s Notes app that reads, “Sorry, but people screw up all the time, the world is an imperfect place.”
Nightmare on Elm Street
The nursery rhyme “One, Two, Freddy’s Coming for You” turns into a viral TikTok dance challenge.
Footloose
“I see you are feeling oppressed,” says Reverand Shaw, a gentle parenting advocate, to his daughter Ariel. “You want to ‘cut, footloose’— that’s a big feeling. Help me understand how this obscene rock and roll music, with its gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality dancing, will make you feel less tempted by Satan.”
Dead Poets Society
After the boys at Welton Academy can’t look up from their phones and laptops to discuss poetry, John Keating stands on top of his desk to get their attention. “Why do I stand up here?” he asks. When one student starts typing “Why would a teacher stand on a desk in the middle of class?” into ChatGPT, Keating quits his teaching job and moves to a sheep farm in New Zealand.
E.T.
Elliott luring E.T. into his home with Reese’s Pieces is caught on the doorbell camera, immediately alerting his parents to the alien’s presence. When his mom posts the video online and it goes viral, E.T. becomes a Reese’s Pieces influencer and opts not to go home.
National Lampoon’s Vacation
Clark Griswold tells Ellen that he wants to take a family trip to Wally World in July, but when Ellen looks up the park information, she discovers it will be closed during that time. She spends hours researching possibilities for completing the trip at a reasonable price, considering the kids’ summer camps and sports schedules. When she realizes that it isn’t feasible, Ellen heads to an all-inclusive spa for an emotional labor break.
Weird Science
A documentary about teenage boys creating AI companions with Grok.
Read this piece in all its original glory over at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
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The Dead Poets Society one was absolute perfection, a work of art.
Delete that Ferris bueller one immediately before somebody tries to make it a legitimate reboot.