Timothy McSweeney Busily Crunches the Numbers During the Yankee Swap
Hello and welcome to the twenty-sixth edition of McSweeney’s Internet Substackency, the Substack of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a humor and satire website run by McSweeney’s Publishing.
Short and sweet this week as we head off to our annual holiday break in a few days. Between Xmas and New Year’s, we’ll be counting down our most-read articles of 2024, so please check out the Tendency to see what will be #1 and join pieces like this, this, and this in McSweeney’s canon.
To help ring in the holiday season, we thought we’d share some of our favorite holiday-themed pieces, new and old, in this last Substackency of 2024. Thanks for subscribing, reading, and sharing our writers’ work this year. Happy merry! Merry happy!
Alright, on with the links…
Seriously, guys, no party this year. I know you’ve all been looking forward to it, but I really just don’t want to celebrate this one. It’s a little trite and, frankly, over the top. Take a look at past celebrations; I feel overindulgent. Just not my style.
Do you know how long ago 1970 was? The things we found funny and appropriate to show to bright-eyed children have changed. For example, when I, Kris Kringle, hermit dweller of the mountains, descended on the Footloose-style repressed village of Sombertown, I had to win over the affections of a bunch of jaded children. My solution? A musical number called “If You Sit on My Lap Today,” where I promised children toys and treats in exchange for them trusting me enough to, you know, sit on my lap.
A WORD OR TWO FROM OUR STORE…
A WORD OR TWO FROM OUR HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT…
JOB POSTING: Editorial Assistant
We’re seeking someone with a journalism background to research and write entries for a new edition of our list of Donald Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes.
Responsibilities include:
Researching news events regarding Donald Trump and his administration
Writing concise and timely recaps of pertinent news items
Please submit a cover letter, résumé, and three succinct writing samples in the style of the Trump list, recapping recent news stories involving Donald Trump, anyone on his transition team, or his cabinet nominees. Be sure to include at least one link to a reputable news source in each sample.
This is a part-time paid contract position with variable and somewhat limited hours. Current journalism students are highly encouraged to apply.
Email applications to letters@mcsweeneys.net. Please put “Editorial Assistant Application” in the subject field.
Deadline for application: January 5, 2025. We will respond to final candidates shortly after then.
EXT. SMALL TOWN BUS STOP – DAY
(A beautiful woman with slightly wavy brown hair steps off a bus. She’s RACHEL, a corporate lawyer from The Big City.)
WOMAN ON BENCH (OLD): Shabbat Shalom!
RACHEL: And also with you!
WOMAN ON BENCH (OLD): Oh, dearie, you don’t look like you’re from around here.
RACHEL: I’m not, but my father is—I mean, was. He died this year.
(Public domain Klezmer music swells.)
RACHEL: I never knew him, but he used to own the town bakery. Apparently, his last wish was for me to reopen David’s Donuts and Matzah in time for the County Hanukkah Fair. I don’t think I can, though—I’m not really into all this holiday stuff.
Click to read the rest of this very romantic and confusing script.
On the third and fourth days of Christmas, she gave me three French hens and four calling birds. Funny, I don’t remember telling her my dream was to one day open a chapter of the Audubon Society. Jesus. You know what would have been nice? Some birdseed. I’m out of saltines and things are starting to get weird in here.
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dear mcsweeney's,
great pieces as always!
i particularly love "Scenes from a Hallmark Hanukkah Movie Written by Someone Who Has Definitely Met a Jew"
thank you for sharing!
love
myq