Timothy McSweeney Has Never Felt Less Tariff-ic
Hello and welcome to the thirty-seventh edition of McSweeney’s Internet Substackency, the Substack of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a humor and satire website run by McSweeney’s Publishing.
We had a great time at the New Orleans Book Festival last weekend. Lots of fun booking and festivaling were had.
It was great meeting the other editors and discussing the current state of satire. Best of all, we think/hope we kept our confusing tangents and number of “ums” uttered to a minimum. Feel free to judge for yourself below.
The festival was very well-run, and Tulane’s bucolic campus made for a lovely setting. Plus, everywhere you looked, you’d spot a famous person: Anthony Fauci, W. Kamau Bell, Walter Isaacson, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Griffin Dunne, Connie Chung, Sarah Vowell, Michael Lewis, and many others.
The highlight of the weekend, though, was sharing not only an escalator with renowned journalist Bob Woodward, but an elevator ride as well.
Mr. Woodward riding up an escalator. He is not actually headless.
Mr. Woodward in an elevator. See, he has a head.
The elevators in our hotel were kind of bonkers. Before entering, you had to press your floor number on a keypad and wait for it to tell you which car to take. Once in the elevator, the only buttons it had were for opening and closing the doors, which took some getting used to.
“It’s a crazy system!” Mr. Woodward lamented to us. “You walk in and there are no buttons for the floors.”
“Yes,” we agreed. “You just have to trust it.”
“I want to trust, but also verify,” he said.
Then we all laughed. Good times with Bob Woodward.
Alright, and on with the links…
President Trump has announced a sweeping plan of tariffs against dozens of nations, including the Antarctic Heard and McDonald Islands, which are uninhabited by humans but very much inhabited by penguins. The fake liberal media criticized this as a mistake, but Trump’s tariffs are actually a brilliant long-term strategy to help America win the war against birds.
Guten tag. I’m just wondering if anybody else can relate to this feeling I’ve been having that I just can’t shake. It’s only Tuesday, but what a week, huh? Just when we thought yesterday was another regular Monday, the Reichstag burned down, and it sounds like Chancellor Hitler is going to permanently suspend more of our rights. Crazy, right? Never thought that would happen here. My real problem, though, is that it’s my job to finish tuning this glockenspiel in time for the big concert tomorrow, and I just can’t seem to focus.
A WORD OR TWO FROM OUR STORE…
Several years in the making, McSweeney’s presents a gorgeous cloth-bound, hardcover, two-book edition of Leaves of Grass, stuffed to the brim with a dazzling array of ephemera designed to deeply enhance readers’ appreciation of Walt Whitman’s original masterpiece. Featuring stunning new cover art by Jessica Hische and a slipcase illustrated by Angel Chang.
In addition to the original, full-length work (presented precisely as Whitman desired), readers will find a second volume filled with his notebook and manuscript pages—generously made available to us and to all by the Walt Whitman Archive—totaling 344 pages of handwriting, cross outs, substitutions, and notes to both himself and his publishers. These materials provide crucial insight into how this magnificent work was created and was considered and reconsidered over the years by its author.
Order Leaves of Grass from our store.
We walk among you, but you do not see us. We are your neighbors, but you do not know us. We work with you, but you do not respect us. We are the silent majority, the undervalued and underrepresented, the stoic and strong. We are the people who buy Red Delicious apples, and we are done living in the shadows.
Read the rest of this manifesto written by Red Delicious monsters.
Finally, here’s this week’s BLAST FROM THE PAST, an older classic from our archives…
You’ve been on the lookout for a cardigan in a color that’s less edgy than “fawn” or “heather oatmeal.”
You recently traded your favorite slingbacks for a pair of Dansko clogs recommended by your podiatrist.
You have a podiatrist.
Invisibility seemed like a really cool superpower when you were a child; now, it’s your reality.
Neighborhood cats have been following you home.
Thanks for reading. Subscribe for free to get new posts. We promise this newsletter will be as non-invasive as possible. It will arrive in your electronic inbox gently and with very little fanfare, no more than once or twice a week.
If you’d like to subscribe to McSweeney’s Publishing newsletter, which also features Tendency material every week, go here.
And we realize we are pushing our luck here, but we could really use your support on our Patreon. This allows us to help pay our contributors and keep the Tendency ad-, paywall-, and Ponzi-scheme free.
dear mcsweeney's,
thank you for these wonderful pieces as always!
i love "We Are the People Who Buy Red Delicious Apples"
thank you so much!
love
myq
Are you sure that article about birds wasn't a Trump speech?