Timothy McSweeney Relishes His Role as Back-Up Right Fielder

Oct 03, 2024

Hello and welcome to the fifteenth edition of McSweeney’s Internet Substackency, the Substack of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a humor and satire website run by McSweeney’s Publishing.

Time to clean out our files…

Last Tuesday, we saw a neighborhood cat with a large adult squirrel in its mouth.
The new TV show English Teacher is really, really funny.
Here’s a photograph of Tendency editor Chris Monks’s 1982 Little League Baseball team. They were city champs that year. The roster included a (now) very famous person—other than our weary and unfashionably attired editor, of course.
Here’s a short film from 1964 featuring British Marines engaged in field exercises after taking LSD. (Via The Imperial War Museum’s Twitter).
Avoid being a Miami Dolphins football fan if you can.
This is the only marinated sheep and goat cheese spread we have ever had, but we are confident in announcing that it is the best marinated sheep and goat cheese spread in the history of the universe. (We are not getting paid—either in money or in marinated sheep and goat cheese spread—for writing this.)
We tried to see if the squirrel was still alive, but the cat proudly trotted into the nearby woods and hid behind a bush. When we looked back, it peered at us as if to say, “Not today, McSweeney’s Internet Substackency.”

Alright, on with the links…

I have a quick question about The Purge you’re proposing. Now, don’t you get me wrong, it all sounds GREAT. Suggesting a day of unrestrained nationwide looting and murdering as a response to scattered appliance theft sounds like the right move for sure. We can’t have law and order without the temporary removal of all laws to bring about a police state. Makes total sense. I guess I was just hoping to hear a little more detail on the logistics.

Please click to read the rest of this piece, which features a lot of good info about your post-Purge healthcare options.

A customer walks out of the troll store without buying a troll.

ERIC: What the fuck did you say to him?

HARPER: He wanted a Firefighter Troll. I said we’re out of stock.

ERIC: Is this kindergarten? Do you need a juicy box?

Harper’s eyes well up.

ERIC: When a customer asks about a Firefighter Troll, you tell him we have a Firefighter Troll, and it comes with a Dalmatian Troll and a plush Firefighter Troll Fire Truck, and it will all be ready by MONDAY. You better be running down the street to get him. Go, go, go!

Click to read the rest because, given how the show’s third season just ended, this could really be a hint at things to come.

A WORD OR TWO FROM OUR STORE…

Several years in the making, McSweeney’s presents a gorgeous cloth-bound, hardcover, two-book edition of Leaves of Grass, stuffed to the brim with a dazzling array of ephemera designed to deeply enhance readers’ appreciation of Whitman’s original masterpiece. Featuring stunning new cover art by Jessica Hische and a slipcase illustrated by Angel Chang.

In addition to the original, full-length work (presented precisely as Whitman desired), readers will find a second volume filled with his notebook and manuscript pages—generously made available to us and to all by the Walt Whitman Archive—totaling 344 pages of handwriting, cross outs, substitutions, and notes to both himself and his publishers. These materials provide crucial insight into how this magnificent work was created and was considered and reconsidered over the years by its author.

Click to preorder at our store. The McSweeney’s edition of Leaves of Grass will be released late fall 2024, shipping to our readers in time for holiday gift-giving.

Famously, there’s no rule against a dog playing basketball. Apparently, there is one big rule about forfeiting against a dog playing basketball. I gladly would’ve given Air Bud’s team of ragtag teens the morally uplifting win, but the Washington State Athletic Commission made us spend forty-five minutes dunking on man’s best friend.

Follow this link to read the read and then share it with every millennial in your life who endured all the Air Bud movies over the course of their childhood.

And here’s this week’s BLAST FROM THE PAST, a classic Tendency piece from our archives…

Westeros from Game of Thrones

There seems to be a never-ending list of places to experience when visiting Westeros, so you can’t go wrong as long as you aim for a summer visit. Winters here are absolutely brutal. Throughout your trip, you’ll encounter many well-preserved and battle-scarred houses and hopefully some mystical beings. You’ll definitely want to follow the local rules closely, as some of the fines and punishments are more severe than you can imagine. The views will provide everything you’d expect in a harsh medieval landscape: picturesque backdrops, fiery dragons, and horrific ritualistic executions. Wear comfortable shoes.

Click to read the rest of the reviews. This piece was endorsed by Rick Steves himself when we first published it!

Thanks for reading. Subscribe for free to get new posts. We promise this newsletter will be as non-invasive as possible. It will arrive in your electronic inbox gently and with very little fanfare, no more than once or twice a week.

If you’d like to subscribe to McSweeney’s Publishing newsletter, which also features Tendency material every week, go here.

And we realize we are pushing our luck here, but we could really use your support on our Patreon. This allows us to help pay our contributors and keep the Tendency ad-, paywall-, and Ponzi-scheme free.